Total Abstinence
by xenon3000
Summary: Dogbert tests and defends his own sex education curriculum. Can nothing stop Dogbert and his cuckoo nutty ideas?


DISCLAIMER: "Dilbert" is the creation of Scott Adams and the intellectual property of United Media.

Dilbert came home to find Dogbert had taken over the living room. Perhaps the phrase "taking over" was an understatement, he had converted it into a classroom, a classroom with sixteen kids, all of whom appeared to be in eighth and ninth grade. Dogbert had connected Dilbert's computer to a multimedia projector and was showing footage of a computer simulation.

"In conclusion, it really makes no difference whether you have save sex for marriage or have it outside of marriage," Dogbert explained. "Either way, if the percentage of humans having sexual intercourse remains the same over time, the world will still be dangerously overpopulated. So when is the best time to have sex?"

"Never!" the students chanted in unison.

"Dogbert, why have you turned my living room into a classroom for your bizarre theories?" demanded Dilbert.

"For the good of mankind," Dogbert explained. "I am teaching a sex education course called Total Abstinence. It's message is simple: Don't have sex-ever!"

"That theory is extremely illogical!" Dilbert protested. "There is NOTHING wrong with waiting to have sex until you get married!"

"Ah, a detractor," sighed Dogbert. "You will hear many arguments against my theories from people like this. Listen closely as I engage him in debate and counter his attacks, so that you may do the same if and when necessary."

The students all quickly complied, applying their pencil tips to their notebook paper in preparation to write down notes.

"This man is using the logic of double standards," Dogbert countered. "He is stating that if a man and a woman decide to have sex together, if they get a church reverend to declare them husband and wife in a public ceremony and have a big celebration beforehand, that legitimizes it. If Bonnie and Clyde were declared dangerous outlaws by a church minister in a public ceremony and had a big celebration before embarking on their lives of crime, would that legitimize armed robbery or murder?"

"Not all couples who get married end up having children!" shouted Dilbert.

"A serious misconception on your part," Dogbert responded. "This man has obviously been reading too many fairy tales or watching too many tasteful romantic movies. Those forms of art are extremely inaccurate. All of these stories conclude with the couple getting married and living happily ever after, never showing the couple having sex or children. Worse, romantic movies make people want to have big, fancy, elaborate weddings, resulting in the explosive growth of the unnecessary and wasteful wedding industry."

"If people stopped getting married, the wedding industry would no longer exist! People will lose their jobs!" Dilbert complained.

"If you lose one job, you can get another. If one industry goes belly-up, the people from that industry can be retrained to work in others. Think about it, Dilbert, some of the people who once wasted their energies and talents on weddings might one day be working right alongside you."

"Nobody else will agree with your teachings!" Dilbert cried.

"Actually, some people do," stated Dogbert. "Have you ever wondered why the MPAA rates films harsher for sex than they do for violence, regardless of whether or not the sex took place between married couples or not? The answer is simple: Violence ends lives, and sex starts lives! We have 6 billion people on the planet already, and we don't need one more!"

"What happens when all those 6 billion die off?" Dilbert asked.

"Oh, don't worry," Dogbert reassured. "I don't my expect my education program to be 100% effective. Nothing is 100% effective. The people remaining on the planet will have a whole lot more resources and space. Some of them will still reproduce, but the numbers of new people won't be very great. The existence of the human race will be prolonged and its demise more peaceful."

"I don't believe this," Dilbert growled. "Your plan for the future takes logic to such an extreme, most of the joy is eliminated from the world."

"You're an engineer," Dogbert said. "I thought you'd understand."


End file.
